ITEM NUMBER 611231514

The Characters:

All are known only by their online auction names

KingofHearts- a young man in his late twenties

Ghostman- an older man in his late fifties

Wonderlay- a woman in her mid thirties

The stage is divided into three unique areas. In the center is KingofHearts. He sits at a standard style office desk and works on a computer of moderate size and shape. He is dressed casually if a bit rumpled, as if he is at the end of a long day’s work. On stage right is Ghostman. He is a corpulent older man, elegantly dressed. He works at sleek high-speed computer with a large monitor that sits on an ornate home-style desk. He is seated in a large overstuffed leather chair. A box of chocolates and a bottle of wine should be within reach without his having to get up from the chair. On stage left is Wonderlay. She is stylishly coifed and dressed. She sits at a kitchen table and works on a portable laptop computer.

The lighting for each area should reflect the different time zones that the three characters are in. Wonderlay should be sitting in the dusk light of the early evening in New York, KingofHearts in the bright mid afternoon light of San Francisco, and Ghostman should be illuminated only by artificial light, giving an impression that his location is a mystery.

NOTE: IM stands for Instant Message and indicates that the character is typing this message to whomever it is intended. Though that character may start to speak the words out loud, often the person receiving it verbally finishes the message.

Lights up.

The three characters are all seated at their stations logging onto their computers and into the auction.

KingofHearts:

Let’s review the bidding. We had TradingPost55 start us off at the opening bid of ten bucks, but it looks like he was just trying to chicken hawk it cause I haven’t seen any other bids from him. Hotmomma99 gave up at thirty bucks, but that’s when Ghostman first appeared. It looks like he has some serious interest since he keeps upping the bids. Now where did this Wonderlay come from? Wonderlay? Undoubtedly the exact opposite of what she really is. All right ten minutes to go and the high bid is a hundred and fifty bucks from the Ghostman.

Wonderlay types in a figure and sends it in

Whoa, Wonderlay how about that, looking to snipe it at the last second. $200. OK, lets see what…

Ghostman has already countered the offer

Thank you Mr. Ghostman for your bid of….Christ!

Wonderlay:

Well Ghostman it looks like you know your stuff. After the last time I should have realized you would. Let’s sound him out.

Ghostman are you…

Ghostman:

…Sure about that?

he laughs, then IM

I am quite sure my dear lady, quite sure indeed.

He pours himself a glass of wine and sips at it

Wonderlay:

But it might not be a real one; I mean there are so few left and so many fake ones out there.

Ghostman:

Indeed it might be good lady, but what is life without the element of chance.

You must have a gambler’s soul to play this game madam.

Wonderlay:

A gambler’s soul?

I would hardly consider the amounts of money we are now talking about to be a “game”. My question to you is do you think …

Ghostman:

…It’s real? Ha.

Pause, as he considers his next move

Ghostman:

Only someone who knows that it truly is the genuine article would try to plant that seed. Well, well she’s done her homework I dare say.

How do we know anything is real?

Wonderlay:

Oh don’t go existential on me you fruitcake. All right, he’s serious about staying in.

I really want this auction Ghostman. I really want it bad. And I might be willing to send you a little token of my appreciation if you were to let me have it.

Ghostman:

A token?

What sort of token my dear lady?

Wonderlay:

Allow me to win the auction and I’ll give you a percentage of whatever I end up reselling the item for. If the bidding ends low enough, that could mean…

Ghostman:

He laughs

…a profit of several hundred dollars? Does she take me for a fool? The profit at this point would be quite larger than a few mere hundreds of dollars.

Intrigued as I am by your offer dear lady I must reject it out of hand. I am willing to go the entire distance with this item in order to…

Wonderlay:

…win out. All right, there is more than one way to skin a cat. If he’s going to be that way maybe the best idea is go after the seller.

KingofHearts, may I ask you a question?

KingofHearts:

Ask me a question? All right.

What’s on your mind?

Wonderlay:

The item in question, the bids have gotten so high, I was wondering if I could offer you a deal.

KingofHearts:

What is this dame, nuts? A deal when the price has gone from a hundred bucks to four in less than two minutes?

Sorry, no deals.

Wonderlay:

Don’t be so quick to write me off King. There are things I can offer you that Mr. Ghostman, as well as anyone else, can’t.

KingofHearts:

Such as?

Wonderlay:

I have certain pictures, ones that a former boyfriend took of me…when we were being bad.

KingofHearts:

Is she kidding with…

An image pops up on his screen. He whistles in appreciation.

Well hot chili mamma, she ain’t kidding.

Nice gams, I’d like to think that really is you, but you’re still outbid. You have to come up with more than…

He swallows hard as a second image appears

Well that’s quite an interesting position

Returns to the IM, but with some difficulty

…you show…on the bid chart.

Wonderlay:

She enters a bid

$500. That should be enough to keep Ghostman away and KingofHearts happy.

Does that give you a rise King?

Ghostman:

By God she does have the soul doesn’t she.

It seems you have overcome your reservations as to the authenticity of the item.

Wonderlay:

I never questioned the authenticity to him. Oh wait this is from Ghostman.

A gambler has to have soul.

KingofHearts:

A gambler has to have soul?

You’re showing a lot more than just your soul lady.

Wonderlay:

Damn I’ve got to keep these two straight.

Ghostman:

Well let’s not let a few measly dollars keep us apart now.

He makes a bid

$700. Even if Wonderlay has offered any extra inducements to KingofHearts that bid should please him more.

KingofHearts:

Hello gorgeous. Ghostman I do so like your style.

Wonderlay:

$700. This is getting out of hand.

Hey King…

Pause

…Wanna know what I’m wearing?

KingofHearts:

Is this broad nuts?

I couldn’t care…

Wonderlay:

A sheer black nightie with matching black panties. And it’s so cold here I sure could use someone to keep me warm.

KingofHearts:

Pause, then IM

Money keeps me warm.

Wonderlay:

Sshe puts in a bid

$800, that ought to keep him warm.

Does that light your fire King?

KingofHearts:

It warms the cockles of my heart Wonderlay.

Wonderlay:

I can warm more than that King. I can be as nasty as you want me to be. Just think what the two of us could be doing right now, my arms around you, my body pressed against yours, my mouth…

She continues to type

KingofHearts:

I don’t think that’s legal in most states. But then again who cares?

How about I take that nightie of yours and unbutton it slowly, an inch at a time, pulling it back to expose your stomach, then your ribs…

Wonderlay:

…then my breasts.

Oh yes, oh yes, give it to me King, show me you are…

KingofHearts:

…the king.

I am the king baby, the king of all I see and I see you…

Wonderlay:

…in ways no one has ever seen me.

Give it to me baby, give it to me hard and fast.

KingofHearts:

It’s so hard, yeah baby, go for it, make me….

Wonderlay

Come and get it big boy.

Ghostman:

This woman is becoming a very great annoyance.

he puts in a bid

Let’s see if she has the guts to top this.

Wonderlay:

Jesus, a thousand dollars!

Oh baby I need you so bad.

KingofHearts:

Not as bad as I need a thousand bucks.

He breathes a sigh and regains his composure

If you want me it’s gonna cost you.

Wonderlay:

I can’t afford much more King, all I can go is eleven hundred. Can’t you let me have it for that? I mean…

KingofHearts:

…after all we’ve meant to each other?

It’s not up to me sweetheart, the auction has three minutes to go. Put your bid in and…

Wonderlay:

See what happens? That bastard.

she puts in a bid. Then an IM

All right, you bastard there’s your money.

Ghostman:

What will it take to get rid of this woman?

he takes another sip of wine

Well, let’s be sure of this.

KingofHearts, you are quite sure that this is the genuine article?

KingofHearts:

It’s as genuine as it gets Ghostman.

Ghostman:

That is good enough for me.

He enters a bid, then selects a chocolate from a box and pops it in his mouth

KingofHearts and Wonderlay together:

Oh my God!

Wonderlay:

Is he out of his mind?

KingofHearts:

Ten Thousand dollars!

Ghostman:

I hope both of them appreciate it.

Wonderlay:

IM in a panic

King, someone flashing those kinds of numbers can’t be serious. I mean he can’t have that kind of money to spend, I know I don’t.

KingofHearts:

Just cause you don’t doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

Then I guess you can’t outbid him.

Wonderlay:

But King I’m telling you I know that he will find a way to burn you.

KingofHearts:

How would you know?

Wonderlay:

I’ve had dealings with him before. He burned me on a Chinese vase I was selling, bid an incredible amount then rescinded the bid when I wouldn’t guarantee it’s authenticity.

KingofHearts:

Hmm.

Ghostman, have you ever done business with Wonderlay before?

Ghostman:

Wonderlay. I’ve never heard of the woman before today.

KingofHearts:

He says he doesn’t know you.

Wonderlay:

I was selling it under my professional name, Brigitte49.

KingofHearts:

She says she sold it under the name of Brigitte49.

Ghostman:

Well, well, well, so Wonderlay is Brigitte49, how interesting. But then again, I should have guessed it.

My dear fellow, if indeed she is Brigitte49 then you can be quite assured that she has…

KingofHearts:

…more than enough money to outbid me. Thanks Ghostman.

All right Wonderlay or Brigitte or whatever your real name is, the Ghostman says you have the dough to outbid him. Is he telling the truth?

Wonderlay:

I don’t know how he would have any insight into my financial affairs, but believe me King when I tell you that if you let him win this auction you will regret it.

KingofHearts:

I’ll learn to live with my regrets for ten grand.

Outbid him or shut down baby.

Wonderlay:

How can I do this, what can I…

All right King, if it has to be that way. We could have been something together, something special, something…

KingofHearts:

Magical? I doubt that. Well goodbye and…

Wonderlay puts in a bid

HELLO!

Ghostman:

Fifteen Thousand. Ah now dear girl you are indeed a gambler. But being a gambler is not enough. Not when I want something.

Ghostman props open a laptop computer that has been sitting next to his larger computer. He logs in on that computer, then turns back to the desktop

Ghostman:

I salute you my dear Brigitte, it appears that you have outdone yourself this time.

Wonderlay:

How kind of him to accede to his defeat. But just to make it official…

Thank you Ghostman, may I ask you a question?

Ghostman:

IM, but he’s watching the laptop screen

Certainly my dear, what do you wish to know?

KingofHearts:

20, 19, 18, 17, 16….

he continues the countdown through the next

Wonderlay:

How does it feel…

Ghostman:

…to lose out to me?

he smiles and raises his hand dramatically. When KingofHearts reaches “five” on the countdown he presses a button on the laptop, sending in his bid. Then IM

Ghostman:

My dear I would not know.

KingofHearts:

Twenty Thousand! Two, one, auction closed.

Wonderlay:

She emits the cry of a wounded animal

Arrrrgggh. I can’t believe it.

Ghostman:

Well that was stimulating.

he smiles and toasts himself

Wonderlay:

King, there’s nothing that says you have…

KingofHearts:

… to sell it to him.

Yes there is doll

face.

Wonderlay:

What I mean is, you can perhaps send him one, not necessarily…

KingofHearts:

…the one I was selling?

pause, then IM

What you are suggesting isn’t ethical.

Wonderlay:

Ethics has nothing to do with it baby. I say you take his money, send me the real one and…

KingofHearts:

…I’ll sell the real one off line?

Ghostman:

Are you ready to complete our transaction my friend? I am anxious that we do this as quickly as possible.

Wonderlay:

Come on baby, come to momma, let momma take care of it for you.

What do you think about that baby?

KingofHearts:

What do I think?

What I think is that I’m going to have to…

Wonderlay:

…send me in!

What do you mean King?

KingofHearts:

I’m calling you in angel. If you’re lucky they’ll give you six months probation, which means you’ll be back on in two. If you’re not lucky they’ll cancel you out all together, which will be a shame but I’ll always remember you.

Wonderlay:

You can’t do that King. What about what we’ve meant to each other?

KingofHearts:

We haven’t meant anything doll, just two ships passing in the night. I’m in it for the money and the money only. Sorry if you got the wrong impression, but that’s the way things go.

Wonderlay:

You can’t do this to me King. I will do anything…

KingofHearts:

disregarding Wonderlay, IM

Send the money now Ghostman. Add fifteen dollars if you want me to overnight it to you.

Ghostman:

Fifteen dollars seems like such small change for such speedy service. I will happily oblige you my dear sir, but perhaps you can do me the slight favor of telling me just which method of shipping you will be using.

Wonderlay:

King, King, you can’t turn me in. What will I tell my…

KingofHearts:

…husband? Well I should have known.

Wonderlay:

Please, can’t you just consider it between the two of us?

KingofHearts:

Don’t you understand it’s the code we live by here? The only thing that matters is the auction, the integrity and honesty of the auction. No, I suppose you wouldn’t understand that. To you it’s all about the winning. Well, winning isn’t everything. And it’s people like you that give the auction a bad name. So I’m sending you in sweetheart. Let it be…

Wonderlay:

…a lesson to you.

Ghostman:

Come, come sir, what method shall you use?

KingofHearts:

I use Fedex unless you specify a different service. Does it matter?

Ghostman:

Oh indeed sir, it matters a great deal. Here in my neck of the woods the Federal Express man is notoriously delinquent in his rounds. However the United Parcel man is quite prompt. A charming fellow and, dare I say, a sight for these tired old eyes.

KingofHearts:

So that’s how it is with you Ghostman? All right, UPS it is.

The lights fade on all three.

END OF PLAY

The Coloring Book

Sunday, May 3, 2020

ITEM NUMBER 611231514

ITEM NUMBER 611231514