Turkey, Gravy, and a Good Helping of Humility

My younger son (The Silverback Chihuahua) and his fiancé will not be coming for Thanksgiving this year. They wanted to, really they did, and they are disappointed they won't be able to. 

They live in Los Angeles and my wife (Cruella) and myself live in Northern California. Though I asked them to come up, wanted them to come up, in some ways needed them to come up to celebrate a Thanksgiving like no other I have ever experienced before, he said they couldn't do it. Actually he said he wouldn't do it.

And I couldn't be more proud of him. 

He lives in South Central Los Angeles in a quaint California bungalow he has worked tirelessly to restore. His neighbors are a mix of African-American and Latino families, families where grandma and grandpa live with mom and dad and the kids. It's a beautiful vibrant neighborhood where the ice cream truck competes with the elote corn cart for kids who come charging out of houses and yards dollar bills clutched in their fists when either one announces their arrival via jingling bells and/or canned music. In fact music is everywhere. Men sit in front yards talking, complaining, arguing, women sit on porches and do the pretty much the same all while speakers strategically placed in windows blare out salsa, the blues, and rather incongruously Billy Joel.

That's in normal times. But these are not normal times.

South Central has one of the highest COVID infection rates in Southern California which has the highest infection rate in California and of course California is the most populous state in the country. Add to that the stunning statistic that the Hispanic/Latino population is ten times more likely to become infected than any other ethnic community. You do the math. 

So the not so young anymore son and his soon to be Mrs. don't feel they should travel 400 miles for basically one dinner that we will have to eat either outdoors or strategically placed around the dining room and with the door open. They don't feel they should because their chances of being carriers of the coronavirus are higher than normal. They don't want to potentially infect their (to them) elderly parents. They are disappointed, my son particularly because he'll miss his mother's turkey on Thursday and her artichokes on the Wednesday before. Disappointed, but accepting.

I couldn't be prouder.

Because I think this shows Cruella and I did a pretty good job raising our boys. We taught them to look out for the other guy, to be concerned not just with their own welfare but the welfare of the community as a whole. We taught them that sharing and sacrifice were worthwhile, beneficial concepts that made them better people. 

And as a consequence of that they learned to take disappointment with dignity and grace. Sometimes you don't get to do the thing you most want, whether that is to be with your whole family on Thanksgiving or have a second term as President. You accept that disappointment with humility and you graciously concede that what you wanted you did not get. Game hen instead of tom turkey. Presidential pension instead of second presidential term. These are the qualities that make a good person. 

Or in the language of my forbearers, a mensch.  

If you have any info on voter fraud I can arrange it
 so one of your buddies is dinner.

A Final Round Double Bogey at the 18th Hole

 It's Masters Weekend.

But instead of the usual blooming azaleas and walks along freshly mown spring grass, the Golf Gods decided in this year of COVID to hold the tournament as the shadows lengthen and thoughts of Thanksgiving dinner and it's inherent new fangled difficulties begin to fill our heads. The first two rounds have both had to be extended to the next day because of a lack of daylight in order to finish them (honestly, why didn't they take a silly thing like daylight into consideration?). Nevertheless the tournament will be played and some young white guy or Tiger Woods will be modeling that oh so preppy green jacket come Sunday night.

But I'm not here to talk about sports. I'm here to talk about sportsmanship.

A couple of days before the election, soon to be ex-Vice President Mike (Mommy Says I'm A Good Boy) Pence called up Jack Nicklaus and asked him to endorse the Trump/Pence ticket. Jack Nicklaus is the greatest golfer of all time until someone else is better and I guess the campaign was worried about potentially losing the white male country club vote.

That alone shows they really didn't know how to run a campaign.

Well Jack being as Republican as can be wrote a full throated endorsement of the Great Orange Cheeto and then went on to imply, no downright say that the other side were communist authoritarians. It was that last bit that was a bridge too far even for white shoes America. Golf fans of all stripes decided old Jackie double bogeyed that hole and let him know it. But Nicklaus, finding himself in front of a microphone for the first time in many a year decided to double down on that $5 Nassau and go on to state that he thought the COVID numbers, both cases and deaths, were overblown. He even said someone he knew was asked if it was okay to say their late parents had died of COVID because the hospital would get more money (hmm, where have I heard that line before?).

Yup, old Uncle Fuzzy ruined everyone's Thanksgiving by sitting down at the end of the table and going off on how the COVID can't be real cause he ain't gotten it. Pass the yams.

Skip ahead 10 days. The Masters traditionally begins with a ceremonial tee shot from one or two living legends of the sport. Stand on the first tee, have someone hand you a driving wood, and have everyone ooh and ahh at how an 80 year old can still get it out there a hundred yards or so. Then take a couple of questions from reporters and shuffle off to the clubhouse for a mimosa.

Before going any further I should mention how Jack Nicklaus was thought to be one of the great exemplars of sportsmanship. Famously he told his opponent at a deciding Ryder cup match to go ahead and pick up his ball when it was sorta close to the hole, thus causing a tie in the match and allowing his opponent and the rest of the opposing team to save face. In his lifetime he preached sportsmanship over winning, and that cheating was not to be tolerated in any facet of life. 

Do you see where I'm headed?

Sure enough one of the first questions was from Christine Brennan of USA Today:

“As you know, I wanted to speak with you before I wrote my column about your very public support of President Trump. I’d love to ask this now if I may. You are known as the ultimate gracious sportsman in the game of golf and really throughout sports, certainly with your career, with Ryder Cups, the way you’ve handled victory and defeat and the like. I’m just curious: What is your advice to President Trump on how to accept defeat?”  

Jack stood tall, squared his shoulders, drew a breath and replied:

"I think I’ve said enough about that. I don’t think this is the place for politics.”

Um, yeah. You said a whole lot with that statement. You said that the wanna be presidente for life was right to go ahead and keep contesting an election he has clearly lost. You said it's okay to keep looking for legal loopholes to stay one step ahead of the Southern District of New York's prosecutors. You said the will of the American people should be disregarded because, well, they're wrong and he (and me) are right. You said you believed the lies and the falsehoods Donald Trump has perpetuated on the public these last four years are okay by you so long as those godless Demoncrats don't get into the White House. 

In other words, what you said was that sportsmanship doesn't matter. Being a gracious loser is for suckers. Winning at any cost is all that matters.  

Just like your hero Donald Trump, who by the way is well known to cheat at golf. 

Ohh shanked that one good. Can I get a mulligan?

Some thoughts on the 2020 Election

 Everybody happy? Everybody feeling good?

Well, I have a few thoughts.

1) There are a lot of issues the new administration is going to have to deal with but could they please add these to the list and a little higher than you might initially think. Let's get serious about reforming or eliminating the electoral college. We are the laughingstock of the world to scream about democracy but say well yeah I know this person got over 50% of the vote, but 250 years ago the founders had to give slave states a sop called the Electoral College so they'd feel better about themselves and yeah well the guy with fewer votes won. This has to end. Majority rules, that's what you're taught from pre-school on. And while on the subject it's time to go to full in on mail in elections. The highest number of people voting EVER was when states loosened their restrictions on mail voting because of COVID. 145,000,000 people participated because if they didn't want to they didn't have to wait in line for hours, they didn't have to beg for time off from work, and they didn't have to face intimidation at a polling place. This is coming from the guy who wrote odes to the polling place as the embodiment of civic engagement. This is the reality of life in the 21st Century. Mail in voting works. It works really well. Especially in states like California where we count votes as they come in and even Florida where they stop accepting ballots on the Sunday before the election so on Monday they can start counting. And if Republicans shout that that doing these two things means Democrats will win every election then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the principals of your party. Maybe you need to start thinking as leaders and not as politicians.

2) Democrats, don't go patting yourself on the back just yet. This election was about one thing and one thing only -- Donald Trump. This victory is because Republican voters crossed over (hello Lincoln Project) to vote ABT, anybody but Trump. 70 million people still voted for Trump which would be a record for any presidential candidate were it not for the fact he lost to a guy who got 75 million votes. Look down the ballot. Lindsey Graham got re-elected? You couldn't beat a mealy mouthed lickspittle Trump lapdog in a year when Trump was defeated? Did you flip any state legislatures so Republicans can't gerrymander the hell out of my beaten up census? Hell you even have to wait till January when passions won't be as high and nothing else will be on the ballot in Georgia to try and win two senate races against Republicans who were so stupid they got caught selling off their stock portfolios after the first COVID briefing. And that's probably gonna be just to get to 50-50 so Kamala can break ties. While you still control the House you lost 8 seats, for the most part seats you flipped in the Blue Wave two years ago. Those Republicans who voted for Biden this time will likely return to the fold when a more "normal" GOP candidate runs four years from now. You sure 40,000 of them won't be in Pennsylvania? Or Georgia? Or Wisconsin?

3) One thing I truly hope is that the Trump years will kill forever this notion that "We need a good businessman to be president". I know, I know, Trump is not a good businessman, but my point is that it is a total fallacy that businessmen make good leaders. They don't . They make money. That's their job. The job of government is not to make money. At the absolute best government should be a zero sum proposition, but in point of fact government should run a deficit and use the money it takes in to stimulate the private sector. Also it is the government's job to regulate the private sector to prevent "an overabundance of exuberance" from crashing the entire thing down on our heads. A businessman will never do that. The professional political class is who needs to be making the laws, not someone with his thumb of the scale.

4) What is with Cuban Americans in south Florida? Hey compadre I know you didn't like the dictator Fidel, but you voted hand over fist for the dictator Trump and thus handed him the state. Your guy Batista is not coming back, your ancestral farms and property are not going to be returned, and if you really want to help your brothers on the island then demand the US engage Cuba in real trade agreements and start opening things up. As long as you lap at the mojito the Republicans get you drunk with they are never going to help the people of Cuba. But maybe that's what you want, things to get so bad there that a Batista Jr. will sneak in under the cover of night and bring back a right wing military dictatorship that's hand in glove with the Mob. How'd that work out for you the last time?

5) Don't think I'm letting you off California, I got a few things to say to you as well. Really, you don't want a nurse or doctor to be mandated to be in a dialysis clinic cause that's what that proposition was about, not in any way about closing clinics. But you didn't read the proposition you just saw the TV ads. And you want Uber and Lyft to economically rape their employees (yes, you drive for them, you work for them, that makes you an employee) cause that's what you voted for. But you didn't read the proposition you just saw the TV ads. And you think it's perfectly fine for huge corporations to keep on not paying their fair share of property taxes cause that's the reality of that proposition, not the "oh poor us we're gonna lose the family farm" who would have hardly been effected by it at all. But you didn't read the proposition you just saw the TV ads. But you did vote to restrict the amounts of information Big Tech can gather on you. But then again, Big Tech didn't run any TV ads opposing that so you actually read the proposition.

6) 70 million Americans voted for the man who through his incompetency, his hubris, his hatred of anything instituted by his, let's all say it together, African-American predecessor KILLED a quarter of a million fellow citizens. 70 million Americans voted for the man who said white supremacists are "fine people". 70 million Americans voted for the man who pissed on foreign allies, got into a disastrous trade war, cozied up to any and all dictators, separated children from parents who were LEGALLY attempting to enter the country and now can't reconnect the families, put those children in cages, lost interest in and never built his fabled wall along the border, spent most of his day watching Fox news to see how many times his name got mentioned, moved so fast to appoint a replacement for Ruth Bader Ginsberg that Merrick Garland's name wasn't even able to be mentioned, showed contempt for experts in science or military affairs or economics because "I know more about it than anyone else" and you can go on and fill in your own favorite Trump calamity. 70 million people. 70 million people who believed him that Joe Biden and the Democratic Party are the evil socialists who are gonna...well what exactly? Make sure you can get health care? Make sure the air is fit to breath and the water fit to drink? Make sure you get paid a fair wage for a fair day's work and not have some corporate suit come along and say sorry we're not making enough money so we're shipping your job overseas? Make sure that if you are not white or not even the right kind of white you're not going to have a cop beat or kill you? 70 million people believed him and his crime family were only doing the best for the country and if they skim a little off the top well that's okay cause everyone does it (no, they don't). 70 million Americans believed his crap. Thank the universe for the 75 million who didn't.

But tonight let's pop the champagne and toast Joe and Kamala. And tomorrow lets all get back to work to heal up the jagged knife wound the past four years have infected us with. It's not going to happen overnight. It might not even happen in the next four years. But we've got to make a start and we've got to keep working. We owe that to those who came before us and those who will come after.

ITEM NUMBER 611231514 

The Characters:

All are known only by their online auction names

KingofHearts- a young man in his late twenties

Ghostman- an older man in his late fifties

Wonderlay- a woman in her mid thirties

The stage is divided into three unique areas. In the center is KingofHearts. He sits at a standard style office desk and works on a computer of moderate size and shape. He is dressed casually if a bit rumpled, as if he is at the end of a long day’s work. On stage right is Ghostman. He is a corpulent older man, elegantly dressed. He works at sleek high-speed computer with a large monitor that sits on an ornate home-style desk. He is seated in a large overstuffed leather chair. A box of chocolates and a bottle of wine should be within reach without his having to get up from the chair. On stage left is Wonderlay. She is stylishly coifed and dressed. She sits at a kitchen table and works on a portable laptop computer.

The lighting for each area should reflect the different time zones that the three characters are in. Wonderlay should be sitting in the dusk light of the early evening in New York, KingofHearts in the bright mid afternoon light of San Francisco, and Ghostman should be illuminated only by artificial light, giving an impression that his location is a mystery.

NOTE: IM stands for Instant Message and indicates that the character is typing this message to whomever it is intended. Though that character may start to speak the words out loud, often the person receiving it verbally finishes the message.

 Lights up.

The three characters are all seated at their stations logging onto their computers and into the auction.

KingofHearts:

Let’s review the bidding. We had TradingPost55 start us off at the opening bid of ten bucks, but it looks like he was just trying to chicken hawk it cause I haven’t seen any other bids from him. Hotmomma99 gave up at thirty bucks, but that’s when Ghostman first appeared. It looks like he has some serious interest since he keeps upping the bids. Now where did this Wonderlay come from? Wonderlay? Undoubtedly the exact opposite of what she really is. All right ten minutes to go and the high bid is a hundred and fifty bucks from the Ghostman.

Wonderlay types in a figure and sends it in

Whoa, Wonderlay how about that, looking to snipe it at the last second. $200. OK, lets see what…

Ghostman has already countered the offer

Thank you Mr. Ghostman for your bid of….Christ!

Wonderlay:

Well Ghostman it looks like you know your stuff. After the last time I should have realized you would. Let’s sound him out.

IM

Ghostman are you…

Ghostman:

…Sure about that?

he laughs, then IM

I am quite sure my dear lady, quite sure indeed.

He pours himself a glass of wine and sips at it

Wonderlay:

IM

But it might not be a real one; I mean there are so few left and so many fake ones out there.

Ghostman:

Indeed it might be good lady, but what is life without the element of chance.

IM

You must have a gambler’s soul to play this game madam.

Wonderlay:

A gambler’s soul?

IM

I would hardly consider the amounts of money we are now talking about to be a “game”. My question to you is do you think …

Ghostman:

…It’s real? Ha.

Pause, as he considers his next move

Ghostman:

Only someone who knows that it truly is the genuine article would try to plant that seed. Well, well she’s done her homework I dare say.

IM

How do we know anything is real?

Wonderlay:

Oh don’t go existential on me you fruitcake. All right, he’s serious about staying in.

IM

I really want this auction Ghostman. I really want it bad. And I might be willing to send you a little token of my appreciation if you were to let me have it.

Ghostman:

A token?

IM

What sort of token my dear lady?

Wonderlay:

IM             

Allow me to win the auction and I’ll give you a percentage of whatever I end up reselling the item for. If the bidding ends low enough, that could mean…

Ghostman:

He laughs

…a profit of several hundred dollars? Does she take me for a fool?  The profit at this point would be quite larger than a few mere hundreds of  dollars.

IM

Intrigued as I am by your offer dear lady I must reject it out of hand. I am willing to go the entire distance with this item in order to…

Wonderlay:

…win out. All right, there is more than one way to skin a cat.  If he’s going to be that way maybe the best idea is go after the seller.

IM

KingofHearts, may I ask you a question?

KingofHearts:

Ask me a question? All right.

IM

What’s on your mind?

Wonderlay:

IM             

The item in question, the bids have gotten so high, I was wondering if I could offer you a deal.

KingofHearts:

What is this dame, nuts? A deal when the price has gone from a hundred bucks to four in less than two minutes?

IM

Sorry, no deals.

Wonderlay:

IM

Don’t be so quick to write me off King. There are things I can offer you that Mr. Ghostman, as well as anyone else, can’t.

KingofHearts:

IM             

Such as?

Wonderlay:

IM             

I have certain pictures, ones that a former boyfriend took of me…when we were being bad.

KingofHearts:

Is she kidding with…

An image pops up on his screen. He whistles in appreciation.

Well hot chili mamma, she ain’t kidding.

IM

Nice gams, I’d like to think that really is you, but you’re still outbid. You have to come up with more than…

 He swallows hard as a second image appears

Well that’s quite an interesting position

Returns to the IM, but with some difficulty

…you show…on the bid chart.

Wonderlay:

She enters a bid

$500. That should be enough to keep Ghostman away and KingofHearts happy.

IM             

Does that give you a rise King?

Ghostman:

By God she does have the soul doesn’t she.

IM

It seems you have overcome your reservations as to the authenticity of the item.

Wonderlay:

I never questioned the authenticity to him. Oh wait this is from Ghostman.

IM             

A gambler has to have soul.

KingofHearts:

A gambler has to have soul?

IM

You’re showing a lot more than just your soul lady.

Wonderlay:

Damn I’ve got to keep these two straight.

Ghostman:

Well let’s not let a few measly dollars keep us apart now.

He makes a bid

$700. Even if Wonderlay has offered any extra inducements to KingofHearts that bid should please him more.

KingofHearts:

Hello gorgeous. Ghostman I do so like your style.

Wonderlay:

$700. This is getting out of hand.

IM

Hey King…

Pause

…Wanna know what I’m wearing?

KingofHearts:

Is this broad nuts?

IM

I couldn’t care…

Wonderlay:

IM

A sheer black nightie with matching black panties. And it’s so cold here I sure could use someone to keep me warm.

KingofHearts:

Pause, then IM

Money keeps me warm.

Wonderlay:

Sshe puts in a bid

$800, that ought to keep him warm.

IM

Does that light your fire King?

KingofHearts:

IM

It warms the cockles of my heart Wonderlay.

Wonderlay:

IM

I can warm more than that King. I can be as nasty as you want me to be. Just think what the two of us could be doing right now, my arms around you, my body pressed against yours, my mouth…

She continues to type

KingofHearts:

I don’t think that’s legal in most states.  But then again who cares?

IM

How about I take that nightie of yours and unbutton it slowly, an inch at a time, pulling it back to expose your stomach, then your ribs…

Wonderlay:

…then my breasts.

IM

Oh yes, oh yes, give it to me King, show me you are…

KingofHearts:

…the king.

IM

I am the king baby, the king of all I see and I see you…

Wonderlay:

…in ways no one has ever seen me.

IM

Give it to me baby, give it to me hard and fast.

KingofHearts:

IM

 It’s so hard, yeah baby, go for it, make me….

Wonderlay

IM

Come and get it big boy.

Ghostman:

This woman is becoming a very great annoyance.

he puts in a bid

Let’s see if she has the guts to top this.

Wonderlay:

Jesus, a thousand dollars!

IM

Oh baby I need you so bad.

KingofHearts:

Not as bad as I need a thousand bucks.

He breathes a sigh and regains his composure

IM

If you want me it’s gonna cost you.

Wonderlay:

IM

I can’t afford much more King, all I can go is eleven hundred. Can’t you let me have it for that? I mean…

KingofHearts:

…after all we’ve meant to each other?

IM

It’s not up to me sweetheart, the auction has three minutes to go. Put your bid in and…

Wonderlay:

See what happens? That bastard.

she puts in a bid. Then an IM

All right, you bastard there’s your money.

Ghostman:

What will it take to get rid of this woman?

he takes another sip of wine

Well, let’s be sure of this.

IM

KingofHearts, you are quite sure that this is the genuine article?

KingofHearts:

IM

It’s as genuine as it gets Ghostman.

Ghostman:

That is good enough for me.

He enters a bid, then selects a chocolate from a box and pops it in his mouth

KingofHearts and Wonderlay together:

Oh my God!

Wonderlay:

Is he out of his mind?

KingofHearts:

Ten Thousand dollars!

Ghostman:

I hope both of them appreciate it.

Wonderlay:

IM in a panic

King, someone flashing those kinds of numbers can’t be serious. I mean he can’t have that kind of money to spend, I know I don’t.

KingofHearts:

Just cause you don’t doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

IM

Then I guess you can’t outbid him.

Wonderlay:

IM

But King I’m telling you I know that he will find a way to burn you.

KingofHearts:

IM

How would you know?

Wonderlay:

IM

I’ve had dealings with him before. He burned me on a Chinese vase I was selling, bid an incredible amount then rescinded the bid when I wouldn’t guarantee it’s authenticity.

KingofHearts:

Hmm.

IM

Ghostman, have you ever done business with Wonderlay before?

Ghostman:

IM

Wonderlay. I’ve never heard of the woman before today.

KingofHearts:

IM

He says he doesn’t know you.

Wonderlay:

IM

I was selling it under my professional name, Brigitte49.

KingofHearts:

IM

She says she sold it under the name of Brigitte49.

Ghostman:

Well, well, well, so Wonderlay is Brigitte49, how interesting. But then again, I should have guessed it.

IM

My dear fellow, if indeed she is Brigitte49 then you can be quite assured that she has…

KingofHearts:

…more than enough money to outbid me. Thanks Ghostman.

IM

All right Wonderlay or Brigitte or whatever your real name is, the Ghostman says you have the dough to outbid him. Is he telling the truth?

Wonderlay:

IM

I don’t know how he would have any insight into my financial affairs, but believe me King when I tell you that if you let him win this auction you will regret it.

KingofHearts:

I’ll learn to live with my regrets for ten grand.

IM

Outbid him or shut down baby.

Wonderlay:

How can I do this, what can I…

IM

All right King, if it has to be that way. We could have been something together, something special, something…

KingofHearts:

Magical? I doubt that. Well goodbye and…

Wonderlay puts in a bid

HELLO!

Ghostman:

Fifteen Thousand. Ah now dear girl you are indeed a gambler. But being a gambler is not enough. Not when I want something.

Ghostman props open a laptop computer that has been sitting next to his larger computer. He logs in on that computer, then turns back to the desktop

Ghostman:

IM

I salute you my dear Brigitte, it appears that you have outdone yourself this time.

Wonderlay:

How kind of him to accede to his defeat. But just to make it official…

IM

Thank you Ghostman, may I ask you a question?

Ghostman:

IM, but he’s watching the laptop screen

Certainly my dear, what do you wish to know?

KingofHearts:

20, 19, 18, 17, 16….

he continues the countdown through the next

Wonderlay:

IM

How does it feel…

Ghostman:

…to lose out to me?

he smiles and raises his hand dramatically. When KingofHearts reaches “five” on the countdown he presses a button on the laptop, sending in his bid. Then IM

Ghostman:

My dear I would not know.

KingofHearts:

Twenty Thousand! Two, one, auction closed.

Wonderlay:

She emits the cry of a wounded animal

Arrrrgggh. I can’t believe it.

Ghostman:

Well that was stimulating.

he smiles and toasts himself

Wonderlay:

IM

King, there’s nothing that says you have…

KingofHearts:

… to sell it to him.

IM

Yes there is doll

face.

Wonderlay:

IM

What I mean is, you can perhaps send him one, not necessarily…

KingofHearts:

…the one I was selling?

pause, then IM

What you are suggesting isn’t ethical.

Wonderlay:

IM

Ethics has nothing to do with it baby. I say you take his money, send me the real one and…

KingofHearts:

…I’ll sell the real one off line?

Ghostman:

IM

Are you ready to complete our transaction my friend? I am anxious that we do this as quickly as possible.

Wonderlay:

Come on baby, come to momma, let momma take care of it for you.

IM

What do you think about that baby?

KingofHearts:

What do I think?

IM

What I think is that I’m going to have to…

Wonderlay:

…send me in!

IM

What do you mean King?

KingofHearts:

IM

I’m calling you in angel. If you’re lucky they’ll give you six months probation, which means you’ll be back on in two. If you’re not lucky they’ll cancel you out all together, which will be a shame but I’ll always remember you.

Wonderlay:

IM

You can’t do that King. What about what we’ve meant to each other?

KingofHearts:

IM

We haven’t meant anything doll, just two ships passing in the night. I’m in it for the money and the money only. Sorry if you got the wrong impression, but that’s the way things go.

Wonderlay:

IM

You can’t do this to me King. I will do anything…

KingofHearts:

disregarding Wonderlay, IM

Send the money now Ghostman. Add fifteen dollars if you want me to overnight it to you.

Ghostman:

IM

Fifteen dollars seems like such small change for such speedy service. I will happily oblige you my dear sir, but perhaps you can do me the slight favor of telling me just which method of shipping you will be using.

Wonderlay:

IM

King, King, you can’t turn me in. What will I tell my…

KingofHearts:

…husband? Well I should have known.

Wonderlay:

IM

Please, can’t you just consider it between the two of us?

KingofHearts:

IM

Don’t you understand it’s the code we live by here? The only thing that matters is the auction, the integrity and honesty of the auction. No, I suppose you wouldn’t understand that. To you it’s all about the winning. Well, winning isn’t everything. And it’s people like you that give the auction a bad name. So I’m sending you in sweetheart. Let it be…

Wonderlay:

…a lesson to you.

Ghostman:

IM

Come, come sir, what method shall you use?

KingofHearts:

IM

I use Fedex unless you specify a different service. Does it matter?

Ghostman:

IM

Oh indeed sir, it matters a great deal. Here in my neck of the woods the Federal Express man is notoriously delinquent in his rounds. However the United Parcel man is quite prompt. A charming fellow and, dare I say, a sight for these tired old eyes.

KingofHearts:

So that’s how it is with you Ghostman? All right, UPS it is. 

The lights fade on all three.

END OF PLAY

Where I've Been Eating On My Quarantine Vacation - March Edition

March 15

Tonight's dinner at Club Covid at the Ravenswood Quarantine Cafe. May we suggest a nice white wine with your meal?

March 16

Tonight's dining at Chez Covad includes mushroom risotto and a lovely spring salad with Meyer lemon basil dressing. La Vielle Ferme white table wine adds a lovely compliment to a meatless Monday meal.

March 17

Tonight at Ye Olde Steak And Corona we are proud to serve a tender Steak Au Poive with mashed cauliflower and baby spinach. To accompany we suggest a Cline Ancient Vine Mourvedre - crisp with a lingering bite reminiscent of that first kiss with whatstheirname. Enjoy!

March 18

Hola! Buenas Noches and welcome to La Cantina de Covid. Tonight we offer you grilled chicken street tacos with rice, cabbage, salsa, and our very secret sauce. To accompany we have a Russian River Brewing Blind Pig IPA. We wish you buen appetite!

March 19

Buon Gorno! Here at Ristorante Quarantino we got all your Italian favorites so long as your favorites are sauteed sausage and pasta with red gravy. And hey how about a nice glass of #Cline Grenache cause before they were Cline they were Jacuzzi, capisce?

March 20

At Casa de Shelter we only serve the finest chicken fajitas from naturally organic chickens. I think her name was Rosita. She was a lovely chicken and the children played with her often. The salsa is muy caliente just like we like it. Aye carumba! Ole!

March 21

Hello welcome please come in to the Thaisolation Cafe where we have chicken lettuce wraps for dinner. The sou chef cut the lettuce a little small so we serve it more as a salad but you get the idea. Only problem is I think the cilantro was washed with water AND soap. You know like your hands. For 20 seconds. While singing the chorus to ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK.

March 22

Sonoma's hottest restaurant is Solitude! It has everything. Wine, cheese, wine and cheese, and food. Tonight's protein is Phillipa a lonely bird who spent her time shut off from the rest of the fowl world thus making her perfect for Solitude! Phillipa is dressed in a balsamic vinegar and fig reduction and is making the scene with an arugula, farro, and goat cheese salad with garlic toast points. Accompanying them is a 2014 Lost By Choice red blend. Solitude! requires reservations 2, perhaps 3 weeks in advance for its single table. No sharing. Wash your hands.

March 23

Good evening and welcome to Cafe Banh Mi So Bored, a number one best Vietnamese cafe in Sonoma. Tonight we have pork Banh Mi on the special for you. Bear Republic Racer 5 IPA goes good with that-- cuts right through spicy hot pepper. You love it long time.

March 24

Buon giorno! Here at Pizzeria Isolata we bring you old school Italian charm mixed with the freshest ingredients in the finest old world tradition. Tonight we got vegetarian pizza with a side of Romaine lettuce with cheese crisps. And for all you meat lovers just a little plate of mamma's home cured salami. Of course it's not dinner without the wine -- some Italian Swiss Colony cause we kick it old school. Come, sit, and mangia mangia!

March 25

Hey how are ya? Glad you read our tweet. Here at Lonesome Ranch Food Truck we got sliders and...oh hold on..NUMBER 47 ORDER UP...where was I? Oh yeah we got sliders and sides. Whatcha want? Pork? You got it. You get two sides...hold on...NUMBER 48...yes lady yours will be next I promise...ok macaroni salad and Cole slaw you got it. Beer? Nah sorry two trucks over, Manny get ya what ya need. OK next! Yes lady your orders coming...

March 26

I welcome you. My name is Michel and I am the maitre 'd here at Purell's Steak House. Thank you for coming in tonight. May I start you with a martini? Olives, of course. The chef has prepared for you a special London Broil with balsamic vinegar mushrooms and of course a baked potato. Sweet potato for madame and an Idaho for the gentleman. May I recommend a Schug 2015 Carneros Pinot Noir to accompany? Very good. I'll leave the penguin here with the overflow martinis. I wish you bon appetit.

March 27

Mamma Tedium welcomes you to her trattoria! Tonight we got a special. It's SSDD, same special different day. HA! That's why it's so special! Chicken Parmigiana on fettuccine with Mamma's famous marinara, made with herbs and spices only I know so don't ask cause I ain't telling. HA! For wine we got white and we got red. Which one you want? And of course Mamma's world-famous garlic bread cause you gotta keep up your immune system these days. Now eat in good health!

March 28

Hola mis amigos! Bienvenidios to the Hideaway Hacienda. Tonight we will be proud to have you join us for chicken enchiladas, ranch style beans, crispy fresh tortilla chips, and avocado fresh from the tree. The skies may be overcast but in here we strive to bring you a small taste of tropical tradewinds accenting warm Mexican nights.

March 29

Good evening and welcome to our Spring "Dinner With the Winemaker" here at Chateau Covid. Tonight our winemaker Paul has teamed with Chef Ann Marie to present to you a lovely pairing of food and wine from our very special Block 19 vineyard. Pork cutlets in herbed white wine sauce are accompanied by fresh pan seared asparagus and are served on a mound of Arborio rice. Unfortunately out of an abundance of caution we will not be barrel tasting tonight, nor will we be dining in the wine cave per the insistence of the Sonoma Wine Alliance. Remember as wine club members you can take advantage of a 20% discount on all bottle purchases this evening and 30% on all other items in our gift shop. We are happy to extend to you a special $1 shipping offer on all purchases.

March 30

Hi honey how was work/school today? Welcome to Mom's Shelter at Home. We have a nutritious dinner for you. Mom's very special Citrus Chicken from the June 1975 issue of Womans Day along with broccoli and some Tater Tots. Finish it all up and there'll be chocolate ice cream for dessert. After dinner be a dear and take out the garbage.

March 31

Good evening brothers and sisters. We welcome you to the Second Chance Mission. Here we want every food stuff to have an opportunity to fulfill its purpose and find true happiness in the stomachs of our guests. There is some Citrus Chicken from Moms and some spaghetti from an Italian restaurant and even some greens from Solitude! (We were so fortunate to get those). Come and enjoy. Love and Light! And wash your hands.