Where I've Been Eating On My Quarantine Vacation - March Edition

March 15

Tonight's dinner at Club Covid at the Ravenswood Quarantine Cafe. May we suggest a nice white wine with your meal?

March 16

Tonight's dining at Chez Covad includes mushroom risotto and a lovely spring salad with Meyer lemon basil dressing. La Vielle Ferme white table wine adds a lovely compliment to a meatless Monday meal.

March 17

Tonight at Ye Olde Steak And Corona we are proud to serve a tender Steak Au Poive with mashed cauliflower and baby spinach. To accompany we suggest a Cline Ancient Vine Mourvedre - crisp with a lingering bite reminiscent of that first kiss with whatstheirname. Enjoy!

March 18

Hola! Buenas Noches and welcome to La Cantina de Covid. Tonight we offer you grilled chicken street tacos with rice, cabbage, salsa, and our very secret sauce. To accompany we have a Russian River Brewing Blind Pig IPA. We wish you buen appetite!

March 19

Buon Gorno! Here at Ristorante Quarantino we got all your Italian favorites so long as your favorites are sauteed sausage and pasta with red gravy. And hey how about a nice glass of #Cline Grenache cause before they were Cline they were Jacuzzi, capisce?

March 20

At Casa de Shelter we only serve the finest chicken fajitas from naturally organic chickens. I think her name was Rosita. She was a lovely chicken and the children played with her often. The salsa is muy caliente just like we like it. Aye carumba! Ole!

March 21

Hello welcome please come in to the Thaisolation Cafe where we have chicken lettuce wraps for dinner. The sou chef cut the lettuce a little small so we serve it more as a salad but you get the idea. Only problem is I think the cilantro was washed with water AND soap. You know like your hands. For 20 seconds. While singing the chorus to ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK.

March 22

Sonoma's hottest restaurant is Solitude! It has everything. Wine, cheese, wine and cheese, and food. Tonight's protein is Phillipa a lonely bird who spent her time shut off from the rest of the fowl world thus making her perfect for Solitude! Phillipa is dressed in a balsamic vinegar and fig reduction and is making the scene with an arugula, farro, and goat cheese salad with garlic toast points. Accompanying them is a 2014 Lost By Choice red blend. Solitude! requires reservations 2, perhaps 3 weeks in advance for its single table. No sharing. Wash your hands.

March 23

Good evening and welcome to Cafe Banh Mi So Bored, a number one best Vietnamese cafe in Sonoma. Tonight we have pork Banh Mi on the special for you. Bear Republic Racer 5 IPA goes good with that-- cuts right through spicy hot pepper. You love it long time.

March 24

Buon giorno! Here at Pizzeria Isolata we bring you old school Italian charm mixed with the freshest ingredients in the finest old world tradition. Tonight we got vegetarian pizza with a side of Romaine lettuce with cheese crisps. And for all you meat lovers just a little plate of mamma's home cured salami. Of course it's not dinner without the wine -- some Italian Swiss Colony cause we kick it old school. Come, sit, and mangia mangia!

March 25

Hey how are ya? Glad you read our tweet. Here at Lonesome Ranch Food Truck we got sliders and...oh hold on..NUMBER 47 ORDER UP...where was I? Oh yeah we got sliders and sides. Whatcha want? Pork? You got it. You get two sides...hold on...NUMBER 48...yes lady yours will be next I promise...ok macaroni salad and Cole slaw you got it. Beer? Nah sorry two trucks over, Manny get ya what ya need. OK next! Yes lady your orders coming...

March 26

I welcome you. My name is Michel and I am the maitre 'd here at Purell's Steak House. Thank you for coming in tonight. May I start you with a martini? Olives, of course. The chef has prepared for you a special London Broil with balsamic vinegar mushrooms and of course a baked potato. Sweet potato for madame and an Idaho for the gentleman. May I recommend a Schug 2015 Carneros Pinot Noir to accompany? Very good. I'll leave the penguin here with the overflow martinis. I wish you bon appetit.

March 27

Mamma Tedium welcomes you to her trattoria! Tonight we got a special. It's SSDD, same special different day. HA! That's why it's so special! Chicken Parmigiana on fettuccine with Mamma's famous marinara, made with herbs and spices only I know so don't ask cause I ain't telling. HA! For wine we got white and we got red. Which one you want? And of course Mamma's world-famous garlic bread cause you gotta keep up your immune system these days. Now eat in good health!

March 28

Hola mis amigos! Bienvenidios to the Hideaway Hacienda. Tonight we will be proud to have you join us for chicken enchiladas, ranch style beans, crispy fresh tortilla chips, and avocado fresh from the tree. The skies may be overcast but in here we strive to bring you a small taste of tropical tradewinds accenting warm Mexican nights.

March 29

Good evening and welcome to our Spring "Dinner With the Winemaker" here at Chateau Covid. Tonight our winemaker Paul has teamed with Chef Ann Marie to present to you a lovely pairing of food and wine from our very special Block 19 vineyard. Pork cutlets in herbed white wine sauce are accompanied by fresh pan seared asparagus and are served on a mound of Arborio rice. Unfortunately out of an abundance of caution we will not be barrel tasting tonight, nor will we be dining in the wine cave per the insistence of the Sonoma Wine Alliance. Remember as wine club members you can take advantage of a 20% discount on all bottle purchases this evening and 30% on all other items in our gift shop. We are happy to extend to you a special $1 shipping offer on all purchases.

March 30

Hi honey how was work/school today? Welcome to Mom's Shelter at Home. We have a nutritious dinner for you. Mom's very special Citrus Chicken from the June 1975 issue of Womans Day along with broccoli and some Tater Tots. Finish it all up and there'll be chocolate ice cream for dessert. After dinner be a dear and take out the garbage.

March 31

Good evening brothers and sisters. We welcome you to the Second Chance Mission. Here we want every food stuff to have an opportunity to fulfill its purpose and find true happiness in the stomachs of our guests. There is some Citrus Chicken from Moms and some spaghetti from an Italian restaurant and even some greens from Solitude! (We were so fortunate to get those). Come and enjoy. Love and Light! And wash your hands.

The Old Man and The T.P.

THE OLD MAN AND THE TP

CURTAIN UP

Outside a supermarket.  A younger man, DAVE, is walking up to the front door. An elderly man with a cane, MILES, approaches him.

MILES: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I ask you something young man?

DAVE: Uh, sure (as he looks into the store anxiously)

MILES: You sure it’s alright, I don’t want to keep you.

DAVE: Yeah, what can I help you with?

MILES: It’s just that I know, well, everyone wants to get in there and buy their groceries and get back home.

DAVE: Well, yeah, that’s what I want to do. Uh, should you be standing so close? I mean I’m fine and all but I haven’t been tested.

MILES: Oh, I’m okay. I have been tested. They tested everyone in the home and I’m okay.

DAVE: Well, good. So what can I do for you?

MILES: It’s more what I can do for you.

DAVE: I don’t think there’s anything you can do for me.

MILES: Oh there is. You see this market, it lets elderly folks in early so we can shop without worrying about younger people potentially infecting us. 

DAVE: Yeah, I know that. Nice of them.

MILES: Yes, very nice. Thing is that gives us first crack at a lot of products.

DAVE: I just need to pick up a few things I’m pretty sure they still have.

MILES: Products that might be in shorter supply.

DAVE: That’s OK.

(DAVE starts to enter the store)

MILES: I got toilet paper.

(that stops DAVE)

DAVE: You got what?

MILES: I got toilet paper, lots of it.

DAVE: How…

MILES: Like I said they let us in early. Overnight the toilet paper shipment gets put on the shelves. We’re the first ones in.

DAVE: Ones? Not just yourself?

MILES: I got a posse.

DAVE: A posse?

MILES: The Potty Posse. They put it out on the shelves, we buy it all up.

DAVE: But they only allow two packages per customer. And that aisle is pretty long.

MILES: I ain’t saying how many we are. But we get the job done.

DAVE: What do you do with it?

(MILES looks around furtively to make sure no one else is listening)

MILES: What you think we do with it, wipe our asses? How many you want?

DAVE: You want to sell me toilet paper?

MILES: Keep your voice down. I can hear you just fine.

DAVE: (down to a loud whisper) You want to sell me bootleg toilet paper?

MILES: I don’t sell no bootleg TP. My stuff is real. It’s pure. Still in the package. All nice and white and fluffy. None of that single ply crap either. I’m two ply or fly.

DAVE: Actually I’m fine on that score. Just need some produce and some snacks.

MILES: Produce and snacks, huh. Young man like yourself, bet you got a wife at home. Uses up that TP like nobody’s business.

DAVE: Well, yeah.

MILES: Sure, that’s the produce. Snacks gotta be for the kids I bet.

DAVE: Yeah. Boy and a girl.

MILES: Ooh, that girl, bet she learned how to potty from her momma. Bet she a bigger user than your wife.

DAVE: Yeah, but it evens out with my son.

MILES: He a teenager?

DAVE: 15.

MILES: You remember when you was 15? How long he spend in the bathroom?

(this stops DAVE)

DAVE: So, uh, how much?

MILES: Now you talking. I got a twelve pack of Northern I can let you have for twenty-five.

DAVE: Twenty-five dollars?

MILES: Of course dollars, American dollars. And don’t tell me about no Crypt Currency or Bite Coin cause I don’t do that.

DAVE: But it’s like $12 inside.

MILES: But they don’t got none inside. I got it outside and outside the price is $25.

(JERRY approaches the two of them. He also is an elderly man. He uses a walker)

JERRY: Hey hey what I tell you about working my turf?

MILES: This ain’t your turf. It ain’t nobody’s turf. This is open territory. Potty Posse got a right to work here.

JERRY: This is TP-13 ground. (turning to DAVE) You don’t want to buy his phony ass product. He say he got Northern? (DAVE nods yes) He don’t got Northern.  He got that bitch ass house brand. Take you half a roll just to blow your nose. Now me, I got the real deal. I got Charmin. I got Charmin Ultra Strong. Double rolls.

MILES: What you talking about? Nobody got Charmin anything let alone Ultra Strong.

JERRY: (ignoring MILES) I got Charmin Ultra Strong. Double Roll, twelve to the pack. You can have it at a real good price cause I don’t like this Potty Posse poser trying to take away my customer.

DAVE: How much?

MILES: Don’t believe his lying. He ain’t got any such thing.

JERRY: (to Miles) Old man you keep your mouth shut or I’ll shut it for you. You think this walker ain’t equipped? Oh it equipped you can bet on that. (to DAVE) Now son since it’s your first time and since I heard you got a family and all I’m gonna make you an offer, it gonna make you reach right for your wallet, open it up, and say “Gimme granddad, gimme all of that”.

DAVE: Well I was speaking to this gentleman first…

JERRY: Did you hear what I said about this walker? You think it can’t take you out as fast as it take out that old gas passer? Don’t you be passing up when I offer you a deal like this. You don’t get no second chance.

DAVE: Um okay, so what’s your offer?

JERRY: Charmin Ultra Strong double rolls, twelve pack. Today only. $150.

DAVE: $150?!

JERRY: That too rich for your blood? That too much money to spend on your sweet wife and her babies? Can’t afford to provide for your family like they should be provided for? Like you know you want to? Like your Daddy taught you to. Like you promised her Momma you were going to?

MILES: Don’t listen to his big talk. He ain’t got the stuff. He just gonna grab your money and run and you ain’t never gonna see no Charmin Ultra Strong double rolls. Me, I got Northern right here. My wife’s right down the street. I’ll have her bring it up, you can inspect, and then you can hand me fifty dollars and we’ll be done.

DAVE: $50? But I thought you said it was $25.

MILES: I never said twenty-five. Ain’t no one out here sell you a dozen rolls of Northern for twenty-five. Maybe your hearing is going. I saw on the TV they think hearing going is the first sign of this corona thing. Maybe I oughta back away. I’m in a high risk group. You know what, deals off, go, go, deal with that TP13 crowd, I don’t want no part of you.

DAVE: No, no, I’m okay. I guess I was just, um, mistaken.

JERRY: You mistaken is you think you gonna deal with this guy when he’s on my turf. Our turf.

(a group of elderly men and women appear behind JERRY. Some have canes, others walkers)

MILES: Oh big tough man. Can’t fight your own battles. Have to bring your whole gang into it. OK, so be it.

(MILES pulls out a Life Alert from under his shirt)

MILES: Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

LIFE ALERT MONITOR (VO): We have your location, help is on the way.

MILES: (to JERRY) You got three minutes before they get here. I suggest you might not want to be here when they do.

(JERRY stares intently at MILES)

JERRY: This ain’t the last of this. We gonna rumble. And soon.

MILES: You best remember to drink your Ensure before we do. Cause I’m gonna Ensure you gonna need it.

(JERRY and the others exit)

MILES: Now let’s get back to business. Gotta be quick now, those Life Alert boys get upset if I’m not down on the ground when they get here.

DAVE: Uh, okay. So a twelve pack of Northern for fifty dollars, right?

MILES: That’s what I said.

DAVE: You got it here?

(MILES motions offstage. An elderly woman approaches with a package wrapped in brown paper that she hands to MILES)

MILES: Thank you Sarah.

SARAH: You’re welcome. (to DAVE) Use it in good health.

MILES: My wife, she always wants things nice and neat.

(DAVE pulls out his wallet and removes a $50 bill which he starts to hand to MILES then suddenly stops)

DAVE: I gotta see the merchandise.

MILES: What, you don’t trust me?

DAVE: Fifty dollars for twelve rolls of toilet paper is a lot of money. I just want to know I’m not flushing it down the toilet before I, um, get to flush it down the toilet.

MILES: You’re a very smart young man. OK take a look.

(MILES places the package on the ground. DAVE tears some of the brown paper off to reveal the Northern logo.)

DAVE: Looks like the real deal. Here you go.

(DAVE hands MILES the money)

MILES: Thank you. It was a pleasure doing business with you. Is there anything else I can help you with? Dried pasta? Canned beans? Maybe you’d like some nice chicken parts? Fresh today.

DAVE: No, I’m good.

MILES: Then can you give me a hand getting down on the ground for the Life Alert boys?

DAVE: I don’t think that will be necessary.

(DAVE pulls out a badge)

DAVE: Freeze. Police. Don’t make any (pause) sudden moves. Put your hands in the air. Don’t move lady.

SARAH: What? What’s happening?

DAVE: Your husband is under arrest for violating the Price Gouging Act of 2020. I’ve been staking out this market for the last two days after there were a lot of complaints about gangs of old people taking advantage of the market’s generosity. Even some complaints about grandmother types extorting men with certain, uh, alternate lifestyles.

SARAH: I don’t know anything about that. (SARAH knows all about that)

DAVE: You have the right to remain silent.

MILES: This was a set up. I was, what do you call it, entrappedmented.

DAVE: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

MILES: Listen, maybe we can make a deal. Maybe you can just take that package home to the wife and kiddies and we can forget this all happened.

DAVE: .You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney..,.

MILES: I can afford, I can afford. I got the best lawyer in the state, my friend Bennie’s kid. He’ll have me out in nothing flat. Sarah, call Bennie and tell him to get his kid over here right away.

SARAH: I’ll call him right away.

MILES: And Sarah (softly) tell him we’ll pay him a 12 pack an hour. The Charmin. Ultra Strong.

CURTAIN