The Coloring Book

Sunday, May 3, 2020

ITEM NUMBER 611231514

The Characters:

All are known only by their online auction names

KingofHearts- a young man in his late twenties

Ghostman- an older man in his late fifties

Wonderlay- a woman in her mid thirties

The stage is divided into three unique areas. In the center is KingofHearts. He sits at a standard style office desk and works on a computer of moderate size and shape. He is dressed casually if a bit rumpled, as if he is at the end of a long day’s work. On stage right is Ghostman. He is a corpulent older man, elegantly dressed. He works at sleek high-speed computer with a large monitor that sits on an ornate home-style desk. He is seated in a large overstuffed leather chair. A box of chocolates and a bottle of wine should be within reach without his having to get up from the chair. On stage left is Wonderlay. She is stylishly coifed and dressed. She sits at a kitchen table and works on a portable laptop computer.

The lighting for each area should reflect the different time zones that the three characters are in. Wonderlay should be sitting in the dusk light of the early evening in New York, KingofHearts in the bright mid afternoon light of San Francisco, and Ghostman should be illuminated only by artificial light, giving an impression that his location is a mystery.

NOTE: IM stands for Instant Message and indicates that the character is typing this message to whomever it is intended. Though that character may start to speak the words out loud, often the person receiving it verbally finishes the message.

Lights up.

The three characters are all seated at their stations logging onto their computers and into the auction.

KingofHearts:

Let’s review the bidding. We had TradingPost55 start us off at the opening bid of ten bucks, but it looks like he was just trying to chicken hawk it cause I haven’t seen any other bids from him. Hotmomma99 gave up at thirty bucks, but that’s when Ghostman first appeared. It looks like he has some serious interest since he keeps upping the bids. Now where did this Wonderlay come from? Wonderlay? Undoubtedly the exact opposite of what she really is. All right ten minutes to go and the high bid is a hundred and fifty bucks from the Ghostman.

Wonderlay types in a figure and sends it in

Whoa, Wonderlay how about that, looking to snipe it at the last second. $200. OK, lets see what…

Ghostman has already countered the offer

Thank you Mr. Ghostman for your bid of….Christ!

Wonderlay:

Well Ghostman it looks like you know your stuff. After the last time I should have realized you would. Let’s sound him out.

Ghostman are you…

Ghostman:

…Sure about that?

he laughs, then IM

I am quite sure my dear lady, quite sure indeed.

He pours himself a glass of wine and sips at it

Wonderlay:

But it might not be a real one; I mean there are so few left and so many fake ones out there.

Ghostman:

Indeed it might be good lady, but what is life without the element of chance.

You must have a gambler’s soul to play this game madam.

Wonderlay:

A gambler’s soul?

I would hardly consider the amounts of money we are now talking about to be a “game”. My question to you is do you think …

Ghostman:

…It’s real? Ha.

Pause, as he considers his next move

Ghostman:

Only someone who knows that it truly is the genuine article would try to plant that seed. Well, well she’s done her homework I dare say.

How do we know anything is real?

Wonderlay:

Oh don’t go existential on me you fruitcake. All right, he’s serious about staying in.

I really want this auction Ghostman. I really want it bad. And I might be willing to send you a little token of my appreciation if you were to let me have it.

Ghostman:

A token?

What sort of token my dear lady?

Wonderlay:

Allow me to win the auction and I’ll give you a percentage of whatever I end up reselling the item for. If the bidding ends low enough, that could mean…

Ghostman:

He laughs

…a profit of several hundred dollars? Does she take me for a fool? The profit at this point would be quite larger than a few mere hundreds of dollars.

Intrigued as I am by your offer dear lady I must reject it out of hand. I am willing to go the entire distance with this item in order to…

Wonderlay:

…win out. All right, there is more than one way to skin a cat. If he’s going to be that way maybe the best idea is go after the seller.

KingofHearts, may I ask you a question?

KingofHearts:

Ask me a question? All right.

What’s on your mind?

Wonderlay:

The item in question, the bids have gotten so high, I was wondering if I could offer you a deal.

KingofHearts:

What is this dame, nuts? A deal when the price has gone from a hundred bucks to four in less than two minutes?

Sorry, no deals.

Wonderlay:

Don’t be so quick to write me off King. There are things I can offer you that Mr. Ghostman, as well as anyone else, can’t.

KingofHearts:

Such as?

Wonderlay:

I have certain pictures, ones that a former boyfriend took of me…when we were being bad.

KingofHearts:

Is she kidding with…

An image pops up on his screen. He whistles in appreciation.

Well hot chili mamma, she ain’t kidding.

Nice gams, I’d like to think that really is you, but you’re still outbid. You have to come up with more than…

He swallows hard as a second image appears

Well that’s quite an interesting position

Returns to the IM, but with some difficulty

…you show…on the bid chart.

Wonderlay:

She enters a bid

$500. That should be enough to keep Ghostman away and KingofHearts happy.

Does that give you a rise King?

Ghostman:

By God she does have the soul doesn’t she.

It seems you have overcome your reservations as to the authenticity of the item.

Wonderlay:

I never questioned the authenticity to him. Oh wait this is from Ghostman.

A gambler has to have soul.

KingofHearts:

A gambler has to have soul?

You’re showing a lot more than just your soul lady.

Wonderlay:

Damn I’ve got to keep these two straight.

Ghostman:

Well let’s not let a few measly dollars keep us apart now.

He makes a bid

$700. Even if Wonderlay has offered any extra inducements to KingofHearts that bid should please him more.

KingofHearts:

Hello gorgeous. Ghostman I do so like your style.

Wonderlay:

$700. This is getting out of hand.

Hey King…

Pause

…Wanna know what I’m wearing?

KingofHearts:

Is this broad nuts?

I couldn’t care…

Wonderlay:

A sheer black nightie with matching black panties. And it’s so cold here I sure could use someone to keep me warm.

KingofHearts:

Pause, then IM

Money keeps me warm.

Wonderlay:

Sshe puts in a bid

$800, that ought to keep him warm.

Does that light your fire King?

KingofHearts:

It warms the cockles of my heart Wonderlay.

Wonderlay:

I can warm more than that King. I can be as nasty as you want me to be. Just think what the two of us could be doing right now, my arms around you, my body pressed against yours, my mouth…

She continues to type

KingofHearts:

I don’t think that’s legal in most states. But then again who cares?

How about I take that nightie of yours and unbutton it slowly, an inch at a time, pulling it back to expose your stomach, then your ribs…

Wonderlay:

…then my breasts.

Oh yes, oh yes, give it to me King, show me you are…

KingofHearts:

…the king.

I am the king baby, the king of all I see and I see you…

Wonderlay:

…in ways no one has ever seen me.

Give it to me baby, give it to me hard and fast.

KingofHearts:

It’s so hard, yeah baby, go for it, make me….

Wonderlay

Come and get it big boy.

Ghostman:

This woman is becoming a very great annoyance.

he puts in a bid

Let’s see if she has the guts to top this.

Wonderlay:

Jesus, a thousand dollars!

Oh baby I need you so bad.

KingofHearts:

Not as bad as I need a thousand bucks.

He breathes a sigh and regains his composure

If you want me it’s gonna cost you.

Wonderlay:

I can’t afford much more King, all I can go is eleven hundred. Can’t you let me have it for that? I mean…

KingofHearts:

…after all we’ve meant to each other?

It’s not up to me sweetheart, the auction has three minutes to go. Put your bid in and…

Wonderlay:

See what happens? That bastard.

she puts in a bid. Then an IM

All right, you bastard there’s your money.

Ghostman:

What will it take to get rid of this woman?

he takes another sip of wine

Well, let’s be sure of this.

KingofHearts, you are quite sure that this is the genuine article?

KingofHearts:

It’s as genuine as it gets Ghostman.

Ghostman:

That is good enough for me.

He enters a bid, then selects a chocolate from a box and pops it in his mouth

KingofHearts and Wonderlay together:

Oh my God!

Wonderlay:

Is he out of his mind?

KingofHearts:

Ten Thousand dollars!

Ghostman:

I hope both of them appreciate it.

Wonderlay:

IM in a panic

King, someone flashing those kinds of numbers can’t be serious. I mean he can’t have that kind of money to spend, I know I don’t.

KingofHearts:

Just cause you don’t doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

Then I guess you can’t outbid him.

Wonderlay:

But King I’m telling you I know that he will find a way to burn you.

KingofHearts:

How would you know?

Wonderlay:

I’ve had dealings with him before. He burned me on a Chinese vase I was selling, bid an incredible amount then rescinded the bid when I wouldn’t guarantee it’s authenticity.

KingofHearts:

Hmm.

Ghostman, have you ever done business with Wonderlay before?

Ghostman:

Wonderlay. I’ve never heard of the woman before today.

KingofHearts:

He says he doesn’t know you.

Wonderlay:

I was selling it under my professional name, Brigitte49.

KingofHearts:

She says she sold it under the name of Brigitte49.

Ghostman:

Well, well, well, so Wonderlay is Brigitte49, how interesting. But then again, I should have guessed it.

My dear fellow, if indeed she is Brigitte49 then you can be quite assured that she has…

KingofHearts:

…more than enough money to outbid me. Thanks Ghostman.

All right Wonderlay or Brigitte or whatever your real name is, the Ghostman says you have the dough to outbid him. Is he telling the truth?

Wonderlay:

I don’t know how he would have any insight into my financial affairs, but believe me King when I tell you that if you let him win this auction you will regret it.

KingofHearts:

I’ll learn to live with my regrets for ten grand.

Outbid him or shut down baby.

Wonderlay:

How can I do this, what can I…

All right King, if it has to be that way. We could have been something together, something special, something…

KingofHearts:

Magical? I doubt that. Well goodbye and…

Wonderlay puts in a bid

HELLO!

Ghostman:

Fifteen Thousand. Ah now dear girl you are indeed a gambler. But being a gambler is not enough. Not when I want something.

Ghostman props open a laptop computer that has been sitting next to his larger computer. He logs in on that computer, then turns back to the desktop

Ghostman:

I salute you my dear Brigitte, it appears that you have outdone yourself this time.

Wonderlay:

How kind of him to accede to his defeat. But just to make it official…

Thank you Ghostman, may I ask you a question?

Ghostman:

IM, but he’s watching the laptop screen

Certainly my dear, what do you wish to know?

KingofHearts:

20, 19, 18, 17, 16….

he continues the countdown through the next

Wonderlay:

How does it feel…

Ghostman:

…to lose out to me?

he smiles and raises his hand dramatically. When KingofHearts reaches “five” on the countdown he presses a button on the laptop, sending in his bid. Then IM

Ghostman:

My dear I would not know.

KingofHearts:

Twenty Thousand! Two, one, auction closed.

Wonderlay:

She emits the cry of a wounded animal

Arrrrgggh. I can’t believe it.

Ghostman:

Well that was stimulating.

he smiles and toasts himself

Wonderlay:

King, there’s nothing that says you have…

KingofHearts:

… to sell it to him.

Yes there is doll

face.

Wonderlay:

What I mean is, you can perhaps send him one, not necessarily…

KingofHearts:

…the one I was selling?

pause, then IM

What you are suggesting isn’t ethical.

Wonderlay:

Ethics has nothing to do with it baby. I say you take his money, send me the real one and…

KingofHearts:

…I’ll sell the real one off line?

Ghostman:

Are you ready to complete our transaction my friend? I am anxious that we do this as quickly as possible.

Wonderlay:

Come on baby, come to momma, let momma take care of it for you.

What do you think about that baby?

KingofHearts:

What do I think?

What I think is that I’m going to have to…

Wonderlay:

…send me in!

What do you mean King?

KingofHearts:

I’m calling you in angel. If you’re lucky they’ll give you six months probation, which means you’ll be back on in two. If you’re not lucky they’ll cancel you out all together, which will be a shame but I’ll always remember you.

Wonderlay:

You can’t do that King. What about what we’ve meant to each other?

KingofHearts:

We haven’t meant anything doll, just two ships passing in the night. I’m in it for the money and the money only. Sorry if you got the wrong impression, but that’s the way things go.

Wonderlay:

You can’t do this to me King. I will do anything…

KingofHearts:

disregarding Wonderlay, IM

Send the money now Ghostman. Add fifteen dollars if you want me to overnight it to you.

Ghostman:

Fifteen dollars seems like such small change for such speedy service. I will happily oblige you my dear sir, but perhaps you can do me the slight favor of telling me just which method of shipping you will be using.

Wonderlay:

King, King, you can’t turn me in. What will I tell my…

KingofHearts:

…husband? Well I should have known.

Wonderlay:

Please, can’t you just consider it between the two of us?

KingofHearts:

Don’t you understand it’s the code we live by here? The only thing that matters is the auction, the integrity and honesty of the auction. No, I suppose you wouldn’t understand that. To you it’s all about the winning. Well, winning isn’t everything. And it’s people like you that give the auction a bad name. So I’m sending you in sweetheart. Let it be…

Wonderlay:

…a lesson to you.

Ghostman:

Come, come sir, what method shall you use?

KingofHearts:

I use Fedex unless you specify a different service. Does it matter?

Ghostman:

Oh indeed sir, it matters a great deal. Here in my neck of the woods the Federal Express man is notoriously delinquent in his rounds. However the United Parcel man is quite prompt. A charming fellow and, dare I say, a sight for these tired old eyes.

KingofHearts:

So that’s how it is with you Ghostman? All right, UPS it is.

The lights fade on all three.

END OF PLAY

Thursday, April 2, 2020

Where I've Been Eating On My Quarantine Vacation - March Edition

March 15

Tonight's dinner at Club Covid at the Ravenswood Quarantine Cafe. May we suggest a nice white wine with your meal?

March 16

Tonight's dining at Chez Covad includes mushroom risotto and a lovely spring salad with Meyer lemon basil dressing. La Vielle Ferme white table wine adds a lovely compliment to a meatless Monday meal.

March 17

Tonight at Ye Olde Steak And Corona we are proud to serve a tender Steak Au Poive with mashed cauliflower and baby spinach. To accompany we suggest a Cline Ancient Vine Mourvedre - crisp with a lingering bite reminiscent of that first kiss with whatstheirname. Enjoy!

March 18

Hola! Buenas Noches and welcome to La Cantina de Covid. Tonight we offer you grilled chicken street tacos with rice, cabbage, salsa, and our very secret sauce. To accompany we have a Russian River Brewing Blind Pig IPA. We wish you buen appetite!

March 19

Buon Gorno! Here at Ristorante Quarantino we got all your Italian favorites so long as your favorites are sauteed sausage and pasta with red gravy. And hey how about a nice glass of #Cline Grenache cause before they were Cline they were Jacuzzi, capisce?

March 20

At Casa de Shelter we only serve the finest chicken fajitas from naturally organic chickens. I think her name was Rosita. She was a lovely chicken and the children played with her often. The salsa is muy caliente just like we like it. Aye carumba! Ole!

March 21

Hello welcome please come in to the Thaisolation Cafe where we have chicken lettuce wraps for dinner. The sou chef cut the lettuce a little small so we serve it more as a salad but you get the idea. Only problem is I think the cilantro was washed with water AND soap. You know like your hands. For 20 seconds. While singing the chorus to ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK.

March 22

Sonoma's hottest restaurant is Solitude! It has everything. Wine, cheese, wine and cheese, and food. Tonight's protein is Phillipa a lonely bird who spent her time shut off from the rest of the fowl world thus making her perfect for Solitude! Phillipa is dressed in a balsamic vinegar and fig reduction and is making the scene with an arugula, farro, and goat cheese salad with garlic toast points. Accompanying them is a 2014 Lost By Choice red blend. Solitude! requires reservations 2, perhaps 3 weeks in advance for its single table. No sharing. Wash your hands.

March 23

Good evening and welcome to Cafe Banh Mi So Bored, a number one best Vietnamese cafe in Sonoma. Tonight we have pork Banh Mi on the special for you. Bear Republic Racer 5 IPA goes good with that-- cuts right through spicy hot pepper. You love it long time.

March 24

Buon giorno! Here at Pizzeria Isolata we bring you old school Italian charm mixed with the freshest ingredients in the finest old world tradition. Tonight we got vegetarian pizza with a side of Romaine lettuce with cheese crisps. And for all you meat lovers just a little plate of mamma's home cured salami. Of course it's not dinner without the wine -- some Italian Swiss Colony cause we kick it old school. Come, sit, and mangia mangia!

March 25

Hey how are ya? Glad you read our tweet. Here at Lonesome Ranch Food Truck we got sliders and...oh hold on..NUMBER 47 ORDER UP...where was I? Oh yeah we got sliders and sides. Whatcha want? Pork? You got it. You get two sides...hold on...NUMBER 48...yes lady yours will be next I promise...ok macaroni salad and Cole slaw you got it. Beer? Nah sorry two trucks over, Manny get ya what ya need. OK next! Yes lady your orders coming...

March 26

I welcome you. My name is Michel and I am the maitre 'd here at Purell's Steak House. Thank you for coming in tonight. May I start you with a martini? Olives, of course. The chef has prepared for you a special London Broil with balsamic vinegar mushrooms and of course a baked potato. Sweet potato for madame and an Idaho for the gentleman. May I recommend a Schug 2015 Carneros Pinot Noir to accompany? Very good. I'll leave the penguin here with the overflow martinis. I wish you bon appetit.

March 27

Mamma Tedium welcomes you to her trattoria! Tonight we got a special. It's SSDD, same special different day. HA! That's why it's so special! Chicken Parmigiana on fettuccine with Mamma's famous marinara, made with herbs and spices only I know so don't ask cause I ain't telling. HA! For wine we got white and we got red. Which one you want? And of course Mamma's world-famous garlic bread cause you gotta keep up your immune system these days. Now eat in good health!

March 28

Hola mis amigos! Bienvenidios to the Hideaway Hacienda. Tonight we will be proud to have you join us for chicken enchiladas, ranch style beans, crispy fresh tortilla chips, and avocado fresh from the tree. The skies may be overcast but in here we strive to bring you a small taste of tropical tradewinds accenting warm Mexican nights.

March 29

Good evening and welcome to our Spring "Dinner With the Winemaker" here at Chateau Covid. Tonight our winemaker Paul has teamed with Chef Ann Marie to present to you a lovely pairing of food and wine from our very special Block 19 vineyard. Pork cutlets in herbed white wine sauce are accompanied by fresh pan seared asparagus and are served on a mound of Arborio rice. Unfortunately out of an abundance of caution we will not be barrel tasting tonight, nor will we be dining in the wine cave per the insistence of the Sonoma Wine Alliance. Remember as wine club members you can take advantage of a 20% discount on all bottle purchases this evening and 30% on all other items in our gift shop. We are happy to extend to you a special $1 shipping offer on all purchases.

March 30

Hi honey how was work/school today? Welcome to Mom's Shelter at Home. We have a nutritious dinner for you. Mom's very special Citrus Chicken from the June 1975 issue of Womans Day along with broccoli and some Tater Tots. Finish it all up and there'll be chocolate ice cream for dessert. After dinner be a dear and take out the garbage.

March 31

Good evening brothers and sisters. We welcome you to the Second Chance Mission. Here we want every food stuff to have an opportunity to fulfill its purpose and find true happiness in the stomachs of our guests. There is some Citrus Chicken from Moms and some spaghetti from an Italian restaurant and even some greens from Solitude! (We were so fortunate to get those). Come and enjoy. Love and Light! And wash your hands.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

The Old Man and The T.P.

THE OLD MAN AND THE TP

CURTAIN UP

Outside a supermarket. A younger man, DAVE, is walking up to the front door. An elderly man with a cane, MILES, approaches him.

MILES: Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I ask you something young man?

DAVE: Uh, sure (as he looks into the store anxiously)

MILES: You sure it’s alright, I don’t want to keep you.

DAVE: Yeah, what can I help you with?

MILES: It’s just that I know, well, everyone wants to get in there and buy their groceries and get back home.

DAVE: Well, yeah, that’s what I want to do. Uh, should you be standing so close? I mean I’m fine and all but I haven’t been tested.

MILES: Oh, I’m okay. I have been tested. They tested everyone in the home and I’m okay.

DAVE: Well, good. So what can I do for you?

MILES: It’s more what I can do for you.

DAVE: I don’t think there’s anything you can do for me.

MILES: Oh there is. You see this market, it lets elderly folks in early so we can shop without worrying about younger people potentially infecting us.

DAVE: Yeah, I know that. Nice of them.

MILES: Yes, very nice. Thing is that gives us first crack at a lot of products.

DAVE: I just need to pick up a few things I’m pretty sure they still have.

MILES: Products that might be in shorter supply.

DAVE: That’s OK.

(DAVE starts to enter the store)

MILES: I got toilet paper.

(that stops DAVE)

DAVE: You got what?

MILES: I got toilet paper, lots of it.

DAVE: How…

MILES: Like I said they let us in early. Overnight the toilet paper shipment gets put on the shelves. We’re the first ones in.

DAVE: Ones? Not just yourself?

MILES: I got a posse.

DAVE: A posse?

MILES: The Potty Posse. They put it out on the shelves, we buy it all up.

DAVE: But they only allow two packages per customer. And that aisle is pretty long.

MILES: I ain’t saying how many we are. But we get the job done.

DAVE: What do you do with it?

(MILES looks around furtively to make sure no one else is listening)

MILES: What you think we do with it, wipe our asses? How many you want?

DAVE: You want to sell me toilet paper?

MILES: Keep your voice down. I can hear you just fine.

DAVE: (down to a loud whisper) You want to sell me bootleg toilet paper?

MILES: I don’t sell no bootleg TP. My stuff is real. It’s pure. Still in the package. All nice and white and fluffy. None of that single ply crap either. I’m two ply or fly.

DAVE: Actually I’m fine on that score. Just need some produce and some snacks.

MILES: Produce and snacks, huh. Young man like yourself, bet you got a wife at home. Uses up that TP like nobody’s business.

DAVE: Well, yeah.

MILES: Sure, that’s the produce. Snacks gotta be for the kids I bet.

DAVE: Yeah. Boy and a girl.

MILES: Ooh, that girl, bet she learned how to potty from her momma. Bet she a bigger user than your wife.

DAVE: Yeah, but it evens out with my son.

MILES: He a teenager?

DAVE: 15.

MILES: You remember when you was 15? How long he spend in the bathroom?

(this stops DAVE)

DAVE: So, uh, how much?

MILES: Now you talking. I got a twelve pack of Northern I can let you have for twenty-five.

DAVE: Twenty-five dollars?

MILES: Of course dollars, American dollars. And don’t tell me about no Crypt Currency or Bite Coin cause I don’t do that.

DAVE: But it’s like $12 inside.

MILES: But they don’t got none inside. I got it outside and outside the price is $25.

(JERRY approaches the two of them. He also is an elderly man. He uses a walker)

JERRY: Hey hey what I tell you about working my turf?

MILES: This ain’t your turf. It ain’t nobody’s turf. This is open territory. Potty Posse got a right to work here.

JERRY: This is TP-13 ground. (turning to DAVE) You don’t want to buy his phony ass product. He say he got Northern? (DAVE nods yes) He don’t got Northern. He got that bitch ass house brand. Take you half a roll just to blow your nose. Now me, I got the real deal. I got Charmin. I got Charmin Ultra Strong. Double rolls.

MILES: What you talking about? Nobody got Charmin anything let alone Ultra Strong.

JERRY: (ignoring MILES) I got Charmin Ultra Strong. Double Roll, twelve to the pack. You can have it at a real good price cause I don’t like this Potty Posse poser trying to take away my customer.

DAVE: How much?

MILES: Don’t believe his lying. He ain’t got any such thing.

JERRY: (to Miles) Old man you keep your mouth shut or I’ll shut it for you. You think this walker ain’t equipped? Oh it equipped you can bet on that. (to DAVE) Now son since it’s your first time and since I heard you got a family and all I’m gonna make you an offer, it gonna make you reach right for your wallet, open it up, and say “Gimme granddad, gimme all of that”.

DAVE: Well I was speaking to this gentleman first…

JERRY: Did you hear what I said about this walker? You think it can’t take you out as fast as it take out that old gas passer? Don’t you be passing up when I offer you a deal like this. You don’t get no second chance.

DAVE: Um okay, so what’s your offer?

JERRY: Charmin Ultra Strong double rolls, twelve pack. Today only. $150.

DAVE: $150?!

JERRY: That too rich for your blood? That too much money to spend on your sweet wife and her babies? Can’t afford to provide for your family like they should be provided for? Like you know you want to? Like your Daddy taught you to. Like you promised her Momma you were going to?

MILES: Don’t listen to his big talk. He ain’t got the stuff. He just gonna grab your money and run and you ain’t never gonna see no Charmin Ultra Strong double rolls. Me, I got Northern right here. My wife’s right down the street. I’ll have her bring it up, you can inspect, and then you can hand me fifty dollars and we’ll be done.

DAVE: $50? But I thought you said it was $25.

MILES: I never said twenty-five. Ain’t no one out here sell you a dozen rolls of Northern for twenty-five. Maybe your hearing is going. I saw on the TV they think hearing going is the first sign of this corona thing. Maybe I oughta back away. I’m in a high risk group. You know what, deals off, go, go, deal with that TP13 crowd, I don’t want no part of you.

DAVE: No, no, I’m okay. I guess I was just, um, mistaken.

JERRY: You mistaken is you think you gonna deal with this guy when he’s on my turf. Our turf.

(a group of elderly men and women appear behind JERRY. Some have canes, others walkers)

MILES: Oh big tough man. Can’t fight your own battles. Have to bring your whole gang into it. OK, so be it.

(MILES pulls out a Life Alert from under his shirt)

MILES: Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

LIFE ALERT MONITOR (VO): We have your location, help is on the way.

MILES: (to JERRY) You got three minutes before they get here. I suggest you might not want to be here when they do.

(JERRY stares intently at MILES)

JERRY: This ain’t the last of this. We gonna rumble. And soon.

MILES: You best remember to drink your Ensure before we do. Cause I’m gonna Ensure you gonna need it.

(JERRY and the others exit)

MILES: Now let’s get back to business. Gotta be quick now, those Life Alert boys get upset if I’m not down on the ground when they get here.

DAVE: Uh, okay. So a twelve pack of Northern for fifty dollars, right?

MILES: That’s what I said.

DAVE: You got it here?

(MILES motions offstage. An elderly woman approaches with a package wrapped in brown paper that she hands to MILES)

MILES: Thank you Sarah.

SARAH: You’re welcome. (to DAVE) Use it in good health.

MILES: My wife, she always wants things nice and neat.

(DAVE pulls out his wallet and removes a $50 bill which he starts to hand to MILES then suddenly stops)

DAVE: I gotta see the merchandise.

MILES: What, you don’t trust me?

DAVE: Fifty dollars for twelve rolls of toilet paper is a lot of money. I just want to know I’m not flushing it down the toilet before I, um, get to flush it down the toilet.

MILES: You’re a very smart young man. OK take a look.

(MILES places the package on the ground. DAVE tears some of the brown paper off to reveal the Northern logo.)

DAVE: Looks like the real deal. Here you go.

(DAVE hands MILES the money)

MILES: Thank you. It was a pleasure doing business with you. Is there anything else I can help you with? Dried pasta? Canned beans? Maybe you’d like some nice chicken parts? Fresh today.

DAVE: No, I’m good.

MILES: Then can you give me a hand getting down on the ground for the Life Alert boys?

DAVE: I don’t think that will be necessary.

(DAVE pulls out a badge)

DAVE: Freeze. Police. Don’t make any (pause) sudden moves. Put your hands in the air. Don’t move lady.

SARAH: What? What’s happening?

DAVE: Your husband is under arrest for violating the Price Gouging Act of 2020. I’ve been staking out this market for the last two days after there were a lot of complaints about gangs of old people taking advantage of the market’s generosity. Even some complaints about grandmother types extorting men with certain, uh, alternate lifestyles.

SARAH: I don’t know anything about that. (SARAH knows all about that)

DAVE: You have the right to remain silent.

MILES: This was a set up. I was, what do you call it, entrappedmented.

DAVE: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

MILES: Listen, maybe we can make a deal. Maybe you can just take that package home to the wife and kiddies and we can forget this all happened.

DAVE: .You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney..,.

MILES: I can afford, I can afford. I got the best lawyer in the state, my friend Bennie’s kid. He’ll have me out in nothing flat. Sarah, call Bennie and tell him to get his kid over here right away.

SARAH: I’ll call him right away.

MILES: And Sarah (softly) tell him we’ll pay him a 12 pack an hour. The Charmin. Ultra Strong.

CURTAIN

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

You Get What You Pay For

Once in another lifetime I sold office furniture. All kinds of furniture, file cabinets, chairs, desks, new pieces, used pieces, whatever you needed in order to sit on, work at, or catalog your office.

I had a rule of thumb, a deal I would make with nearly all the people I sold to. I told them there were three things that were available in any deal. Being the nice guy, generous soul I was, I told them they could have any two of the three.

But the third was for me.

The three things available to them were the following:

1) The item can be exactly what you are looking for. The right color, the right style, the perfect fit for your decor.

2) The item can be exactly the quality you are looking for. High end leather, heavy duty steel or in the case of used furniture a perfect condition.

3) The item can be exactly the price you want to pay for it.

Like I said, I told my customer they could have any two of the three. Thus if they wanted it to be exactly what they were looking for and in exactly the quality they wanted, they would have to pay my price for it. And if they wanted exactly the product they were looking for and in a low price, then they had to take it in a lower quality. You get the picture.

This kept everybody happy. My customer got a fair deal, I got to make money, and we both walked away from the experience with a certain amount of satisfaction.

I mention this because more and more consumers aren't satisfied with their purchasing experiences. The United Airline fiasco of last Sunday was merely the latest example, but it's been in the cultural trade winds for several years now. Baseball teams use "flex pricing" to sell at scalper prices tickets to the most popular games. Electronics stores advertise ridiculously low prices on a particular item and only in the small print mention that only one or two are available per location. Cell phone companies have so many pricing plans and change them so often that's it's quite possible two users with the exactly the same plan can be paying wildly different rates. And of course airlines have so many up charge extras that once were givens such as more leg room, the bulk head seats, checked luggage, food and drink, and coming soon overhead storage space.

When people aren't satisfied with something as simple as buying a product or service there is a grumble in their stomachs, an ache that isn't soothed until they lash out in some way. United executives can't figure out why so many people are so upset about that video? How about it's because every one of us knows that guy could have been us. Heck, it WAS me on one occasion, albeit I wasn't dragged off the plane, but I was escorted off by security after being told my seat was needed for someone who paid more for that flight (he had paid the outrageous walk up/day of the flight price).

The ache isn't helped by the multitude of ways now available to search for pricing and the subtle admonishments given to continue to search for better pricing even after making a purchase. Ever wonder why for days after you bought that pair of tennis shoes from Sears an ad for those shoes keeps appearing on your Facebook wall? It's their way of saying somebody else might have gotten a better deal. You shouldn't rest until you know you have gotten the best deal possible. There's a rumor somebody somewhere in that other place over there got it for FREE!

What happened to just buying something and moving on? This constant litany of being told to never be satisfied is driving all of us just a little bit off our collective gourd. The reality is it's not in some people's interest for us to be satisfied. There are those out in the big bad world who want to keep us dissatisfied with everything, to make us think that the deck is constantly being stacked against us because, well, they are the ones who are stacking the deck. It's a beautiful bit of fraud. Make people dissatisfied by taking from them that which once satisfied them (a pleasant economic exchange) and then tell them that they are right to be dissatisfied so they need to keep searching for that mythical something better. Whatever you do keep picking at the scab of any transaction be it economic or personal or political, there must be something better. No, nothing is good enough...

And that's how you wind up with Donald Trump as president.

I suggest we as consumers turn my old three point deal program around and start telling people we are spending our money with that THEY can have any two of the three. That if they want to get their price and sell what they want to sell then it has to be at the quality you want. And if they want to sell the item or service at the quality they have then we get to pay the price we want. And if they want to sell the quality at the price then we get to get exactly what we want. And both of us will walk away from the transaction happy and we'll all be satisfied.

And we might just save democracy.

United Flight 3411...or Tiananmen square?